When I was maybe six or seven years old, I fell asleep on the recliner watching a movie with all of my brothers, as I did many weekends. This night was different. I woke up in the middle of the night to someone touching me, inappropriately. I was so young, I didn’t know what was going on, so instead of WAKING UP, i started tossing and turning. As soon as I did my older brother slipped his hands out of my pants and ran back to the couch, very quickly. I rolled back over and tried to go back to sleep. Never said a word to anyone about it, except for my older sister but not for another 20 years. Only because that same brother had done the same thing to her when she was younger.

What sucked is this brother is my moms only son, so even after my parents divorced he was always around. Even though this happened well over 20 years ago, it has stuck with me, embedded in my brain. I would never let him watch my daughter when she was younger (Or ever, but as a heroin addict no one questions my reasoning anymore) I always feel extremely uncomfortable around him.

My brother, as I mentioned is a heroin addict. He has seen my nephew less times in ten years than i have fingers on one hand. My mother had custody of him at one point, and now she gets him for holidays, long weekends, summers. All of the times that he could be seeing him, my mom gets him. He is not aloud anywhere near him. Every time he gets sober for any small length of time, he relapses. He refuses to do the right thing when it comes to my nephew.

Everyone assumes that is why I have really distanced myself from him over the last five years. More distance than normal. I cant even bring myself to accept his FB request. I lost my baby brother to a heroin overdose three years ago this summer. If I could go back and be more present in his life, I WOULD. So, that cant be it.

This was not the only time my brother touched me inappropriately, but it is the first memory I have of the abuse. Its not like I could tell my mom next time hes sober and she tells me to give him a chance. I do not ever see a chance in his future.

until next time…