4.

One Saturday I walked into our apartment and there sat my dad and little brother.

BACKSTORY: The man I  call my dad today is a white man who entered my life when I was almost 10. He gave me the best sibling i could ask for, my little brother. It wasn’t his child, it was a child he helped his ex raise. When they split up, he stayed in his life, the way his biological father never did. My biological father will from this point on be refereed to as Daddy Black, in real life I call him by his first name.

Little did I know this wasn’t some short term fling like the last few guys my mom had dated. Once I realized this guy was trying to stick around, I started doing everything I could to make him change his mind.

I started this earlier, I don’t feel like writing what i was going to write anymore.

until next time…

3.

When your spouse goes to prison, you can essentially divorce him/her for little to no cost. My mom being the smart woman she was took that bit of information and ran with it. Smart girl, however at 9 years old I was pretty pissed off about it.

“How dare she break apart our family.” Wise words of a fourth grader.

My life did a 180 flip so quick. I don’t remember the transition, I just remember it being changed. I had lived in a better neighborhood, and was getting a better education, my mom had a better position at her job. Things were looking up from an outside perspective.

My mom was in recovery, Alcoholics anonymous. If I am being honest i never remember my mom drinking. Like never. So in my mind she was either a liar, or a closet drinker. Or maybe my childhood was so fucked up that i didn’t realize her problems were a problem, because it was normal. Maybe the drink she always had in her cup wasn’t juice. Honestly who am I to say. She started going to meetings, a lot. AA dances, picnics, AA parties, our life really revolved around AA. It was good for her, it was good for me. Stability, something id never really had before. She had great friends, no drugs, happy weird people. If you have ever experienced AA people you’d agree they’re all weirdos. And I loved it.

Then my mom started to date. She dated everyone, she involved me in her relationship choices in ways a 9/10 year old should not be  involved in. She dated more than one guy at a time. She probably still doesn’t know to this day how that effected me in a negative way.

BACK STORY: I have ADHD , that came along with some pretty bad anxiety issues, and OCD, which I have been lucky to manage as an adult with out the help  of Big Pharma. My mom and i argued A LOT.  I use the word argue lightly. She called me a stupid nigger like my dad, smacked me with a belt a few times, told me how much she hated me, blamed me for things that could not possibly be my fault. I kicked her in the stomach once, told her how much I hated her, threatened to run away, call the cops on her (and the cops ended up being on my moms side). There was a lot of animosity. I knew my mom loved me. And I loved my mom, we just had some struggles showing it.

until next time…