5.

My biggest fear having a tween daughter is sex. I want her to know all of the things no one ever taught me. At the same time I do not want to expose her to things that might make her curious too soon.

I lost my virginity when I was almost 15. I knew it was a mistake before it even happened. The whole situation was so cliche its hard to believe. If were being honest his penis was so small, I am not sure I actually lost my virginity that night. All of my good friends were in relationships from seventh grade on. Saying they were sexual active, well that is putting it lightly. My view on sex and education on the matter, or lack there of, all came from my overly sexually active peers. Daddy issues, maybe? Peer pressured, oh yes! I am not sure I have ever actually been honest about my first time experience. IT RUINED SEX FOR ME.

Here it goes…

My friend was dating the brother of a guy I had always had a little crush on. We were invited over to swim in their pool. Long story short, I went to the bathroom, lets call him James, James came in a couple minutes later, after I turned the water on to wash my hands. Oddly perfect timing. He kissed me.  At that age I was a bit of a push over when it came to boys, I couldn’t have said NO if I wanted to. Not that I knew what I wanted. If I said no, id ruin my chances right. So I just went with it. He backed up and sat down on the toilet and i uncomfortably sat on his lap, as we continued kissing. He could tell I was uncomfortable, so he stopped, asked me if i was okay. I looked away and said “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” and stood up. There was my chance to bolt. Then I thought of how I was the only virgin in my group of friends, always out of the loop in those conversations. He stood up behind me and started kissing my neck, so I turned around. He lifted me up on the sink, and the rest is history.

It was over before I knew it. I had always herd it hurts, you bleed, well no. He was so small it hardly tickled my fancy. Regardless of my awkwardness, I was def as in the mood as I could be as a  14 year old virgin. Without going into too much detail, he denied that ever happened. Luckily I was so ashamed of myself I only told the friend I was with. YAY  for me teenage HS girls are fucking bitches, so she told all of our friends and eventually it went around the whole school. He denied it and no one believed him. WHICH IS WORSE THAN IF THEY DID. The girl who lost her virginity to a racist asshole who used me to get his rocks off, and ruin my summer before school was even out. At least we only had a month before summer.

One thing I know for sure, every sexual experience you have sticks with you for the rest of your life. Of all the things I have forgotten in my life, sexual mistakes are not one of them. Happily married with children, and my sexual past still haunts me.

until next time…

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