6.

When I was maybe six or seven years old, I fell asleep on the recliner watching a movie with all of my brothers, as I did many weekends. This night was different. I woke up in the middle of the night to someone touching me, inappropriately. I was so young, I didn’t know what was going on, so instead of WAKING UP, i started tossing and turning. As soon as I did my older brother slipped his hands out of my pants and ran back to the couch, very quickly. I rolled back over and tried to go back to sleep. Never said a word to anyone about it, except for my older sister but not for another 20 years. Only because that same brother had done the same thing to her when she was younger.

What sucked is this brother is my moms only son, so even after my parents divorced he was always around. Even though this happened well over 20 years ago, it has stuck with me, embedded in my brain. I would never let him watch my daughter when she was younger (Or ever, but as a heroin addict no one questions my reasoning anymore) I always feel extremely uncomfortable around him.

My brother, as I mentioned is a heroin addict. He has seen my nephew less times in ten years than i have fingers on one hand. My mother had custody of him at one point, and now she gets him for holidays, long weekends, summers. All of the times that he could be seeing him, my mom gets him. He is not aloud anywhere near him. Every time he gets sober for any small length of time, he relapses. He refuses to do the right thing when it comes to my nephew.

Everyone assumes that is why I have really distanced myself from him over the last five years. More distance than normal. I cant even bring myself to accept his FB request. I lost my baby brother to a heroin overdose three years ago this summer. If I could go back and be more present in his life, I WOULD. So, that cant be it.

This was not the only time my brother touched me inappropriately, but it is the first memory I have of the abuse. Its not like I could tell my mom next time hes sober and she tells me to give him a chance. I do not ever see a chance in his future.

until next time…

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5.

My biggest fear having a tween daughter is sex. I want her to know all of the things no one ever taught me. At the same time I do not want to expose her to things that might make her curious too soon.

I lost my virginity when I was almost 15. I knew it was a mistake before it even happened. The whole situation was so cliche its hard to believe. If were being honest his penis was so small, I am not sure I actually lost my virginity that night. All of my good friends were in relationships from seventh grade on. Saying they were sexual active, well that is putting it lightly. My view on sex and education on the matter, or lack there of, all came from my overly sexually active peers. Daddy issues, maybe? Peer pressured, oh yes! I am not sure I have ever actually been honest about my first time experience. IT RUINED SEX FOR ME.

Here it goes…

My friend was dating the brother of a guy I had always had a little crush on. We were invited over to swim in their pool. Long story short, I went to the bathroom, lets call him James, James came in a couple minutes later, after I turned the water on to wash my hands. Oddly perfect timing. He kissed me.  At that age I was a bit of a push over when it came to boys, I couldn’t have said NO if I wanted to. Not that I knew what I wanted. If I said no, id ruin my chances right. So I just went with it. He backed up and sat down on the toilet and i uncomfortably sat on his lap, as we continued kissing. He could tell I was uncomfortable, so he stopped, asked me if i was okay. I looked away and said “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” and stood up. There was my chance to bolt. Then I thought of how I was the only virgin in my group of friends, always out of the loop in those conversations. He stood up behind me and started kissing my neck, so I turned around. He lifted me up on the sink, and the rest is history.

It was over before I knew it. I had always herd it hurts, you bleed, well no. He was so small it hardly tickled my fancy. Regardless of my awkwardness, I was def as in the mood as I could be as a  14 year old virgin. Without going into too much detail, he denied that ever happened. Luckily I was so ashamed of myself I only told the friend I was with. YAY  for me teenage HS girls are fucking bitches, so she told all of our friends and eventually it went around the whole school. He denied it and no one believed him. WHICH IS WORSE THAN IF THEY DID. The girl who lost her virginity to a racist asshole who used me to get his rocks off, and ruin my summer before school was even out. At least we only had a month before summer.

One thing I know for sure, every sexual experience you have sticks with you for the rest of your life. Of all the things I have forgotten in my life, sexual mistakes are not one of them. Happily married with children, and my sexual past still haunts me.

until next time…