As an adolescent you never believe that all the stupid things you do are actually what shape you. It’s the bad decisions that stockpile in your memory, the mistakes, and regrets.

I always say ” I was a really bad kid/teenager” in reality I’m not sure I was. I was given a bad hand, I made choices based on how I was taught. If we’re being honest I wasn’t parented until I was a double digit age.

All of my parents are in recovery in some way or another. Mom is sober 19 years, who I call dad, my step father is sober 23 years, Dwight (I’ve decided screw it on the fake names) my biological father, about 8 years maybe. My baby brother (step but closest sibling I had ) died of a heroin overdose the same day I found out I was pregnant with my youngest who is now two. My moms only son is a heroin addict, hasn’t had a relationship with my nephew in a decade. I have a brother who was found innocent of murder then admitted to doing it. Another who is strung out on these man made drugs, another who is a dealer, but still a great father according to family. My sisters, I have two, one from mom one from dad. One lives a lifestyle I’ll never agree with,  unhealthy for a child, but it’s what she knows, all she’s ever known, and she IS a great mother, the best she can be. The other couldn’t get her life together if life depended on it. She has held more jobs than I’ve ever applied for, been in love with more guys than I’ve ever dated, but she tries. You can only live a life according to what you’ve learned along the way.  YOU SEE why I’m fucked.  However, being the baby of all my blood siblings, I SAW and LEARNED a lot along the way.

Let me throw this in there, I have 8 living siblings, I have a relationship with 0 siblings.

I am the only one in my family without an addictive personality. Maybe if I wasn’t raised around addicts I would not be so  mentally stable in terms of addiction. I understand it so well, even before going to school for Mental Health, Chemical dependency. With that being said I loved drugs for a long time, recreationally.

My oldest is 10, my husband is her father, but we have only been together for 7 years, so wrap your head around that.  At 20 years old I was going to school full time , working 45 hrs a week at a great job, paying all my bills, living on my own,  doing the single mom thing, doing THE RIGHT thing. On weekends my biological father and mother would basically pin themselves against each other for my daughters attention. What that means is I was childless a good 24 hours most weekends. So I partied. Hard.  (We will get into my drug use later) I justified that because I never missed work, I held a 3.0, my daughter was WELL taken care of, I did not party in front of my daughter, I had no debt, my bills were always paid.

I am SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL for my past, all of the bad decisions, and partying, the amazing fun I had in HS, and as a young adult. I regret none of my recreational drug use, binge drinking, clubbing, partying.  Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it differently if I knew what I know today.


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